Dear Madam, By Funke Egbemode

Some wives are not worth the titles they carry. They are women, yes. Wives? No. The right moves, acts and depth are just not there. It is either they forgot everything their mothers and clerics taught them about being a wife or they simply came up with their own codes of conduct but whatever they did, now they are not happy. They are not enjoying their marriages.

And they are blaming everybody and everything but themselves. Do you know any wives like that? We all do.

Women who refuse to acknowledge that marriage has its own laws, refuse to live by them, then turn around to blame the husband, the in-laws, their husbands’ friends and generally the society for their bad marriages. Come on girl, you need self-assessment. You need to calm down and check yourself. Are you handling the ‘wife’ title with the right sense of responsibility? Is this ‘badness’ in your marriage caused by your attitude to marriage? Is your marital unhappiness self-inflicted or not?

Let us check out some of the little things wives do that hurt their marriages, things they have ignored over the years to their peril.

Madam ‘My-money-is-my-money’

Is it that all you see when you look at your husband is a beast of burden, a donkey or an ass that must carry all loads? Do you ever see a man you love, once loved and is the father of your children? Why do you want to kill him with your bills? Fine, it is his job to take care of his family as the head but you as the neck of the family, why do you avoid the bills? Your money is your money and his money is family money, right? Look at your son, yes your nine-year-old son and that three-month-old one you are breastfeeding, what you are doing to their father is what their wives will do to them. Oh, you never heard of the law of karma and the law of harvest? Both of them are waiting for you in the future. All bills will be loaded on your sons’ backs while you watch helplessly. Don’t you dare start snapping your fingers or muttering ‘God forbid’ or I reject it in Jesus name’. Your mother in-law bore it stoically, you will too. Keep treating your husband as one slave, we will all be here when you reap bountifully what you have sown.


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A woman, a good wife, is her husband’s helper. Even if you are a stay-at-home-wife, you must find a way to support him financially. Wives who keep their incomes and watch their husbands labour under the yoke of rent, school fees and housekeeping alone are not just mean, they are witches. In fact, if you are a wife and you fall into this category, I put it to you, you are subtly trying to kill your husband. And look at your son again and picture his wife not supporting him in the future.

Madam ‘Is-sex-food?’

You don’t want your husband to take a second wife or enlist the services and comfort of a side-chick, but you keep saying “Is sex food”? Well, for your information, sex is food and you are starving your husband. You cannot keep your thighs shut and still tell your husband to ignore the women who are singing ‘open and close’ out there. You can only vote one way. You either let him sail in or leave him to go fishing.

Madam Black Bra

Ehn Ehn, like my Online Apostle, Olori Ranti Ajayi asked on Facebook recently , that your black bra, when last did you wash it? Yes, all your bras are black and brown so you can wear them for two weeks. Who does that? Do you know what the competition is wearing and washing daily? You have even tacked these old brassieres with needles and thread so much that I fear one day, they will take off and fly out of the window when they see you approach with another needle. Borrow yourself brain, my sister. Red, sweet pink, fuschia pink, lilac, powder blue, cream, peach are also colours for bra, not just nail polish. Lacy, push-up, half-cup, pointers are all the rave. Black on black is okay if they are frilly and lacy. Plain black is for those not in relationships but you are a wife, for God’s sake! You’ve got a territory to protect, borders to defend. Change your bra. Wear G-strings, sexy panties. Your underwear is the front office desk to your inner chamber. They are the ushers leading to the door of the other room. They must be breathtaking. Your man must stop in his tracks, miss a button or two in the morning when he sees you dressing up. He must feel like ‘one for the road’ when he sees you in a bra and pants when you are applying your makeup. He must feel like a ‘quickie’ before dinner when he sees your smooth cheeks in thongs and your twin pointers in lacy bra when you are undressing.

Cotton bras are for nursing mothers, unless you are role-playing. The role playing class is for next semester in Intimate Affairs 402. But role play and its siblings are important for your border patrol. Enough said! You can thank me later. Just find a way to start using these lines.

Honey, please help me hook my bra.

Babe please help me adjust my strap.

Then you rub the twin towers a little on his shirt sleeves. Wink and then dress up. He will come home early to finish the job.

Do we need to complete this class now, here, today?


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Just go and change your lingerie and spend money on your intimate wears the way you invest in your shoes and designer party clutch bags. Give your man something to drool over.

Enough of the dreary dull pants and bra.

Madam Show-Off

Madam, what’s your plan for rainy days? Or you are the plan-as-you-go wife and mother? Now that all is going well with your husband’s finances, what are you doing with what is overflowing from his cup? Are you saving and investing or just partying and blowing it all? Some women simply forget themselves when everything is fine and dandy and when there’s enough to spend. They buy everything; aso-ebi, latest bags and throw parties for their birthdays every year. Family vacation becomes a ritual that must be observed like Egungun or Eyo festivals. Millions of naira are spent on flight tickets to exotic spots around the world. Even as you read this, there are women who are paying more attention on savings towards the most expensive lace-front wigs. They know nothing about treasury bills, capital and money market trades and care even less about investing in real estate. They join the joneses to do hare-brained stuff. They live for the day. They want new cars every year, designers’ wear, shoes, all those things that fade and lose value with every fashion season. Rainy day is a bridge they will cross when they get there. Somebody tell me the definition of dumb carelessness!

Madam, what if your husband falls ill and needs money for a major surgery or needs to be flown abroad? Do you have a fall-back position? What if your husband loses that fancy accommodation in the highbrow part of town? Can you help with rent or you will resort to nagging and extramarital affairs? If your family falls on hard times today, will you be able to sustain the children in their school or the poor kids will have to go to public school, because Mummy did nothing reasonable with the good times? If your husband dies today, won’t you marry even an illiterate money-miss-road just because he can pay your rent?

Only wise women build nests for rainy days. The foolish ones just buy aso-ebi and Brazilian wigs and go on vacation. Their hard days and foolish choices wait for them in their future.

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