I had the privilege of speaking at a Christian women’s conference in February 2021. Among other issues, the question on the lips of the majority of the women was, “Why are many Christian women waiting for so long to get a man?’. I tried as much as possible to answer their questions, and here are some of the issues I raised on delay in marriage.
1 High standard setters
A lot of Christian women are still waiting because they have set for themselves very unrealistic and unattainable standards of the kind of man they want. So, they are masters at wasting opportunities. There is nothing wrong with setting standards, but you must be careful that you are not setting killer standards that would ultimately work against you given the dynamics of our present society.
There are cases of women who said, “if he is not a graduate of Oxford, I can’t deal”. Someone told me that the lady said, “if your salary is not up to this amount, I can’t deal”. I told him that he had not found a wife. Why? The day they fire you, she may dump you. Of course, it is your life, and you can marry whoever you want. But if you are a believer and have mastered the arts of setting unrealistic and carnal standards, you have shot yourself in the foot.
Be wary of the kind of list you are drawing. A lot of women have actually wasted a lot of opportunities that came their way because of their unrealistic list. The wisdom is this: be sensitive and careful.
Diamonds do not always appear as diamonds, but as diamond ore (dirty and muddy). God may send a man across your way whom you are commissioned to clean up. Do not throw away your diamond on the platform of insensitive and unrealistic personal standards.
2. Bad attitudes
A lot of women have got very bad attitudes that push many potential suitors away. Greet them, they would reply you with insults. Sadly, the Christian community is not an exception. Humility is like perfume. Treat all men with respect. Even if you would never accept someone’s proposal, treat him with respect. He may be a friend to the right man, and his recommendation may be all that will attract that man to you. By God’s grace, it was my recommendation that sealed the deal for a beloved sister in Christ. A friend to the potential man asked me if she was a good person, and I sealed the deal, she is an amazing woman. Today they are married. Attitudes are more valuable than the strongest perfumes. Men smell attitudes faster than perfumes.
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3. Unreasonable allegiance to spiritual leader
Some Christian women have been trapped by their allegiance to their pastor and their church. We have got cases of pastors deliberately standing against marriage to men from other ministries so that the lady will not leave the church. This is witchcraft. Tens of thousands of Christian women are going through this particular challenge. They have sold their wills to their pastors, and since there are no suitors in their present church, they have remained single and are now in their late 40s and early 50s. When you are ready to get married, you will open yourself to believers from anywhere in the body of Christ. This is a very sensitive situation, given the current church model being operated in many African countries. Unreasonable allegiance to pastors has tied down millions of women and has prevented them from finding the right man. It has also been proven, time and again, that a lot of pastors use some of these ladies as sex objects. This is evil and satanic. If you are trapped in the loins of a pastor and are looking for a way of escape, speak out to trusted senior Christian leaders. Or report the case to the spiritual father of your pastor. Otherwise, you will be responsible for your life before God.
4. Self–inflicted cases
Some cases are self-inflicted. A lot of Christian women are embracing funny cultural biases that put them in direct confrontation with scriptures, feminism, individualism, and humanism etc. To them, the bible is now obsolete. This is the 21st century. I cannot submit to any man. I am also a man. So, there are going to be two men in the marriage, and anything that has two heads is not a human being, but a beast. I am talking to Christian women now. If you want to operate your marriage using your own model and strategy, and you want to remain a Christian, you will have a lot of problems. You must marry a man you are willing to submit to. Submission is not slavery or dominance or male superiority, all of which are the reasons for some of the abuses we have in marriage. Due to the prevalence of abuse in marriage as a result of the bad African-male superiority culture, a lot of women have become rebellious against men, and are no longer submitting to the biblical model of marriage. The biblical model of marriage is that the man is the head, and the woman is the helper. Not a slave-master relationship. If you are a genuine believer in Christ, and you are looking for a man that you will head or that will share the headship role with you, you will wait for a long time. Yes, it is true that a lot of men abuse this principle to oppress their wives. Still, there are a lot of great men out there who do not abuse women. This is what the process of courtship would help you to discover.
5 Time factor
Some cases of delay are simply an issue of time. The right time has not come. There is a special assignment for you and God needs you to marry a particular man. If you miss this man, it is a disaster.
For these cases, a lot of patience and endurance is needed. This is the situation of a lot of women as well. You will need to pray to get a unique word from the Lord if your case falls within this scope. Therefore, believers need to be trained to know how to hear the voice of God. You will need to know whether this is your case or not by praying to hear God.
Akerele, a leadership and system development strategist, Minister of the word, writes from Canada. He can be reached through: ayoakerele2012@gmail.com.
