Tag: by Funke Egbemode

Before You Dissolve Like Alum, By Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

The first thing I noticed was her hair. She had gone almost completely gray. Her skirt suit hung on her, shapeless. She wore no make-up. She had no colour. But I recognised her all the same. Nike, my younger friend, once lovely, shapely and lively, made her way into the airport lounge. I called her name, tentatively and she brightened momentarily and then we hugged and hugged. “What’s happened to you? You are not ill? Please tell me you are fine.” I asked as bad pictures of AIDS and cancer…

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Sex, Pastors And Pastors’ Wives, By Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

“Seriously though, if a man is hiding out on prayer mountains for eight months, avoiding his wife’s bed and bosom, it is safe to assume that his matchbox is wet. A wet matchbox will have wet matchsticks. Wet matchsticks can’t produce sparks, least of all light a fire.”   Today I’m worried about men of God, wet matchboxes and the fire at the base of the mountains of pastors’ wives. I’m worried about pastors who leave their wives’ needs unattended in the name of doing God’s work. A pastor’s wife…

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Deadly Wish, By Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

Tinu, Tola and Rita have been friends for about 20 years. They all started small but God has been kind to them. Their marriages are still intact too. So, we can safely say that they are lucky or blessed. That is not to say they have not had seasons that looked like God was not on their side. Tinu lost two precious pregnancies. Rita lost one of two sons and Tola had to wait 10 years for a second child. As for their marriages, the storms came. Rita’s husband went…

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From My Crystal Ball, By Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

It is the fourth day of the year. It’s an opportunity to do something new, refocus your life and do things differently. This is the best time to look back, nod or shake your head, depending on what you see. Was 2024 a year you’ll like to do again what you did or is 2025 a year you are determined to change some things? This is the first Saturday of the year. You probably are not at work. Spend today to process where you were in 2024 and plot where…

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DSS Boss, The Media And The Masks, by Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

The media look for information. Breaking news can break security. The media throw ‘it’ out there. The DSS keeps it away from getting out. So, how do these two people who are brought up differently, trained differently to live lovingly in their federally and nationally arranged marriage? One bright afternoon, some years ago, I decided to make a quick stop at my favourite shoes-and-bags shop on Allen Avenue, Ikeja, Lagos. As I approached the shop, I noticed an armed guard at the entrance. He was carrying a familiar gun –…

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Pull Your Son’s Ears Now, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

I know abusive men like it when we tell their battered wives things like these: “He will change, just keep on praying.” “If prayer fails, start to praise God. He will notice your pain and come through for you.” “With God, all things are possible.” “God is able to do all things, including changing your husband. You’ll see.” “God is the owner of the hearts of kings. He will touch his heart and you never know, he could become a big pastor eventually.” “Marriage is all about patience. He’ll come…

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Young Men, Older Women, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

It happened somewhere in Kogi State, according to some randy reporters and amplified by randier commentators. The woman had been married for 18 years without a child. The man is a 300-level undergraduate. We can safely say he is 22 years old. Yeah, he is that young. Maybe that’s why he had the energy to do the damage that he did. You didn’t think what he did was a maximum damage, a 20-year-old knocking up a Vice Chancellor’s wife? Let’s back up a little. According to my friend, Professor Abigail…

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These 4 Men Need Help, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

1. The Mean Landlord This is the husband who bullies and threatens his wife with quit notice at every turn. Here are some of his favorite refrains: “I’ll soon send you back to your parents.” “Keep talking to me like that and you will be needing another accommodation soon.” African Govts Should Ban Kemi Badenoch From Visiting Continent – Seun Kuti Reasons You Should Appreciate God For Making You Nigerian – Kizz Daniel “In my house? Do you want me to kick you out?” “If you close from work late…

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Women Get Tempted Too, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

When you see Carl and Mary, all you think of is perfect romance. Carl is tall and handsome, very supportive of Mary’s career and business. They had been dating for three years and were practically living together. They had found a way to sync their days and busy schedules. If they were not eating breakfast in Carl’s apartment, they were having takeout Chinese lunch at Mary’s office. They clubbed together, attended church together. Wedding bells were a matter of time, we all thought. And Carl did more in that direction…

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Why Can’t A Side Chick Have A Side Guy?, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

I had not seen Fey (short for Feyikemi) in a while, a year and some weeks, I think. Until that bright afternoon last week. I was getting out of my car in the parking lot of my favourite spa in Victoria Island, Lagos. I had finally decided that I was ripe and ready for some head-to-toe professional pampering to take out the crinks and deep massage for the bunched-up muscles. I deserve a treat after all those tension-soaked months, even if I say so myself. As I stepped out of…

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