Tag: by Funke Egbemode

DSS Boss, The Media And The Masks, by Funke Egbemode

Funke Egbemode

The media look for information. Breaking news can break security. The media throw ‘it’ out there. The DSS keeps it away from getting out. So, how do these two people who are brought up differently, trained differently to live lovingly in their federally and nationally arranged marriage? One bright afternoon, some years ago, I decided to make a quick stop at my favourite shoes-and-bags shop on Allen Avenue, Ikeja, Lagos. As I approached the shop, I noticed an armed guard at the entrance. He was carrying a familiar gun –…

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Pull Your Son’s Ears Now, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

I know abusive men like it when we tell their battered wives things like these: “He will change, just keep on praying.” “If prayer fails, start to praise God. He will notice your pain and come through for you.” “With God, all things are possible.” “God is able to do all things, including changing your husband. You’ll see.” “God is the owner of the hearts of kings. He will touch his heart and you never know, he could become a big pastor eventually.” “Marriage is all about patience. He’ll come…

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Young Men, Older Women, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

It happened somewhere in Kogi State, according to some randy reporters and amplified by randier commentators. The woman had been married for 18 years without a child. The man is a 300-level undergraduate. We can safely say he is 22 years old. Yeah, he is that young. Maybe that’s why he had the energy to do the damage that he did. You didn’t think what he did was a maximum damage, a 20-year-old knocking up a Vice Chancellor’s wife? Let’s back up a little. According to my friend, Professor Abigail…

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These 4 Men Need Help, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

1. The Mean Landlord This is the husband who bullies and threatens his wife with quit notice at every turn. Here are some of his favorite refrains: “I’ll soon send you back to your parents.” “Keep talking to me like that and you will be needing another accommodation soon.” African Govts Should Ban Kemi Badenoch From Visiting Continent – Seun Kuti Reasons You Should Appreciate God For Making You Nigerian – Kizz Daniel “In my house? Do you want me to kick you out?” “If you close from work late…

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Women Get Tempted Too, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

When you see Carl and Mary, all you think of is perfect romance. Carl is tall and handsome, very supportive of Mary’s career and business. They had been dating for three years and were practically living together. They had found a way to sync their days and busy schedules. If they were not eating breakfast in Carl’s apartment, they were having takeout Chinese lunch at Mary’s office. They clubbed together, attended church together. Wedding bells were a matter of time, we all thought. And Carl did more in that direction…

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Why Can’t A Side Chick Have A Side Guy?, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

I had not seen Fey (short for Feyikemi) in a while, a year and some weeks, I think. Until that bright afternoon last week. I was getting out of my car in the parking lot of my favourite spa in Victoria Island, Lagos. I had finally decided that I was ripe and ready for some head-to-toe professional pampering to take out the crinks and deep massage for the bunched-up muscles. I deserve a treat after all those tension-soaked months, even if I say so myself. As I stepped out of…

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He Married The Money, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

Tunji – T.J for short- had always seen a bright future for himself in Nigeria. Not even SAPA could make him JAPA. He knew where he wanted to go and had a map even Google would be proud of, of how he’d get to his destination. So, while all his friends and peers were testing the waters of cybercrime and considering yahoo-plus and its gory gruesome details, T.J had his eyes peeled for how he’d move from his ‘near Lagos’ Boys Quarters’ apartment to Ikoyi, Lagos. Yes, you heard that…

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Trust, Widowhood, Next Of Kin, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

Last week’s piece, ‘The next of kin’ generated a lot of interest. Why was Auntie Funke speaking for only women? Why don’t women make their husbands their next of kin? Then a Professor of Philosophy called and for almost 30 minutes we discussed the matter. Here’s one of his conclusions that got me: A man whose marriage has been his prison all his life is not likely to make his wife his next of kin in his will. Who can blame him? If a man did not enjoy love, faithfulness…

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The Next Of Kin, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

Rose is one of the women who suddenly became a widow as a result of the November 1996 crash of an ADC aircraft that plunged into the Ejirin swamps on its way from Port Harcourt. She was in her late 20s then and had a three-year-old son in the kindergarten. Two years after the unfortunate accident that made her a widow, Rose found herself alone, with an almost uncertain future. Even though her husband died while returning from an official assignment, his employers could not hand over his entitlements to…

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Are Women Stronger In Bed?, By Funke Egbemode

Ganiyu Amodu

It all started with an ambitious shopping list of a woman looking for a husband that my friend sent to me. The single and searching woman wanted a man who can cook, earns ten million naira monthly and is good in bed, of course. The lucky dude should be handsome, romantic and God-fearing. I responded to my friend that “It’s a legitimate list”. No, “it’s illegitimate”, he responded. How? He zeroed in on the “good in bed” part. He insisted that “good in bed” is relative. I vehemently disagreed. If…

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