Tag: by Funke Egbemode

21 Ejaculations Per Month, As How?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Helloooo, do you know any wife who will willingly let his husband outsource her duties? Even if it will kill us, we will lubricate and hang our legs to keep our staff in office. Yes, some women are strong; they can cope even with a daily dose.   I was nicely, gently coming out of church, my Pastor’s sermon still running around my brain, when my phone notified me that a certain Deputy Inspector-General of Police had called me three times. That was strange. Usually I do the calling, almost…

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The Husband Snatcher, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

‘Whose idea was this whole ‘husband snatcher’ theory? Who started it? I asked my friend. He’s a man, street-wise one too. ‘Women.’ He said simply, and continued scrolling through the Whatsapp messages on his phone. ‘Women what?’ I asked, covering the screen of his phone with my palm. ‘Women started it, like many other theories. You people are very creative especially when it comes to intimate affairs.’ He winked and chuckled. Why Men Are Afraid Of ‘Omugwo’, By Funke Egbemode ‘Come on, be serious.’ ‘I am as serious as let-us-pray.…

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Why Men Are Afraid Of ‘Omugwo’, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

He was the lord of his manor. Whatever he said was law. His children feared him. His wife trembled at his feet. He was a god in his private shrine and decreed that he be accorded the appropriate worship and sacrifice or he breathed fire from both nostrils. He ruled his home with an iron fist and he was feared more than respected. He was avoided, not loved. For 33 straight years, his wife put up with his excesses. His children watched their mother endure her marriage. She wore a…

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Is IVF Anti-faith?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

“When I confided in my pastor that my husband and I were finally ready to try IVF, he shook his head so vigorously I thought he was going to have a fit. “Your faith is gone. Sister, have you concluded that God needs help, that he cannot give you a child? Have you not heard testimonies of women who had babies in their 50s, even in their 60s? Have you forgotten the story of Sarah? Why do you want to help God?” Sister Joke was lost, short for words, shaken,…

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Virgin hunter, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Why, how do men who have burgled many virgins’ coven suddenly develop a taste and thirst for virgin brides? Do they not know that once a virgin has been undone, the damage is irreversible? Tamuno was a man-about-town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and…

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King Who Died Inside The Honey Pot, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

When Prince Amuniwaiye ascended the throne of his fathers, it looked like he would do well. Oyo had looked forward to a new era after the departure of Gberu, Amuniwaiye’s father who was ‘convinced’ to put an end to his own life. Unfortunately, lion’s cub will never go to the abode of a sheep to feed. The new Alaafin’s story was no better than his father’s. The only difference was the mode of death. Alaafin Amuniwaiye had a ‘medicine man’, a Special Adviser on spiritual matters called Olukoyisi. Olukoyisi, afraid…

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Accidental Pregnancies, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

One of the things I find most wondrous about God is the way He distributes children. Oh yes, I’m a Christian and I strongly believe that God is the ‘giver’ of children. I do not believe that even IVF can work without God’s say-so. Ask the gynaecologists, they will tell you. Even they cannot explain why some couples have to try IVF five times while others are successful at the first attempt. Let’s even assume that you are a scientist and you have answers to the IVF question, can you…

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Problem With The Whole Truth, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Do women pretend when looking for a husband material? Well, the truth is they do. Do men do the same? You bet. We are all in the game, unfortunately. We all seem to have pasts that are as long as from Lagos to Gombe and so there is so much to hide. And we all want to hide them. But if you ask me, men encourage the pretext and the lies. A man who has taken 10 maidenheads wants to marry a virgin. Why shouldn’t there be girls who will…

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Is Your Son Married To A ‘Citizen’?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

So, aunty, your grandchildren being born as Canadian or American citizens is not all you should consider. Think of all the angles and scenarios. Tell your son to have investments back home in Nigeria in case, God forbid, he has to return and restart his life to save his sanity.   After 15 years in the US, Bolaji returned to Nigeria, alone with only what can fit into his suitcases. He returned without a wife, his two children. He was not deported. His marriage failed. His wife got custody of…

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Before You Dissolve Like Alum, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

The first thing I noticed was her hair. She had gone almost completely gray. Her skirt suit hung on her, shapeless. She wore no make-up. She had no colour. But I recognised her all the same. Nike, my younger friend, once lovely, shapely and lively, made her way into the airport lounge. I called her name, tentatively and she brightened momentarily and then we hugged and hugged. “What’s happened to you? You are not ill? Please tell me you are fine.” I asked as bad pictures of AIDS and cancer…

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