Tag: by Funke Egbemode

Why Can’t A Side Chick Have A Side Guy?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

I had not seen Fey (short for Feyikemi) in a while, a year and some weeks, I think. Until that bright afternoon last week. I was getting out of my car in the parking lot of my favourite spa in Victoria Island, Lagos. I had finally decided that I was ripe and ready for some head-to-toe professional pampering to take out the crinks and deep massage for the bunched-up muscles. I deserve a treat after all those tension-soaked months, even if I say so myself. As I stepped out of…

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He Married The Money, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Tunji – T.J for short- had always seen a bright future for himself in Nigeria. Not even SAPA could make him JAPA. He knew where he wanted to go and had a map even Google would be proud of, of how he’d get to his destination. So, while all his friends and peers were testing the waters of cybercrime and considering yahoo-plus and its gory gruesome details, T.J had his eyes peeled for how he’d move from his ‘near Lagos’ Boys Quarters’ apartment to Ikoyi, Lagos. Yes, you heard that…

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Trust, Widowhood, Next Of Kin, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Last week’s piece, ‘The next of kin’ generated a lot of interest. Why was Auntie Funke speaking for only women? Why don’t women make their husbands their next of kin? Then a Professor of Philosophy called and for almost 30 minutes we discussed the matter. Here’s one of his conclusions that got me: A man whose marriage has been his prison all his life is not likely to make his wife his next of kin in his will. Who can blame him? If a man did not enjoy love, faithfulness…

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The Next Of Kin, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Rose is one of the women who suddenly became a widow as a result of the November 1996 crash of an ADC aircraft that plunged into the Ejirin swamps on its way from Port Harcourt. She was in her late 20s then and had a three-year-old son in the kindergarten. Two years after the unfortunate accident that made her a widow, Rose found herself alone, with an almost uncertain future. Even though her husband died while returning from an official assignment, his employers could not hand over his entitlements to…

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Are Women Stronger In Bed?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

It all started with an ambitious shopping list of a woman looking for a husband that my friend sent to me. The single and searching woman wanted a man who can cook, earns ten million naira monthly and is good in bed, of course. The lucky dude should be handsome, romantic and God-fearing. I responded to my friend that “It’s a legitimate list”. No, “it’s illegitimate”, he responded. How? He zeroed in on the “good in bed” part. He insisted that “good in bed” is relative. I vehemently disagreed. If…

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Why Are Grandmas Having Affairs?, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

What has God not blessed her with? Her husband is well- to-do, healthy and the children are doing well. But Madam B did it and it’s done. She’s 52 and is cheating on her husband. It’s hard to understand…What is worse? The numbers of older couples cheating on their spouses are on the rise.”     Nobody understands. How could she do it? Why did she do it after all these years? An affair after 25 years of marriage and three grown-up children? What is she still looking for? What…

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When Your Son-In-Law Beats Your Daughter, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Daisy was born beautiful. Her mother received her with misty eyes. Her father felt so proud. After three boys, Manny was beginning to doubt his ability to make a female baby. And now along came Daisy from his loins. He’s a complete man, after all. Right? There was so much to eat and drink at the naming ceremony of Daisy. She got a name from every member of the family. Quite a list, but the one that stuck was the one her paternal grandmother gave her, Gift. Mama had five…

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It’s Just Sex, Nothing More, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Sometimes, a woman is just a glorified call girl, “olosho” , but she tells herself she’s in a relationship. She calls a man her boyfriend while he sees her as just a booty call. She believes she has a man in her life while the man sees her as just one of the girls in his life. She invests her time and body in the ‘relationship’ while the man treats her a little bit better than a prostitute. She’s the one that is all over him just like chocolate melts…

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When Men Go Hunting, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Monogamy is a tough call. One-man-one-woman can only be the title of a book, it can’t be law or most men end up in jail. Fine, women cheat too but for today, let’s just concentrate on the men. Men are used to hunting. They see a woman endowed with a beauty queen waist that tapers into South-African hips and dive right into it. It’s what they do. And it is what we know. But when a man gets propositioned, when he is hunted or toasted, he starts singing in tongues.…

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When A Child Turns Out Bad, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

It is God who gives babies. It is the God-assigned duties of parents to nurse and nurture those babies into adulthood. It is a long journey, onerous task to grow babies into adults. Every parent, every aunt and uncle knows that that long journey is bumpy, painful and lonely. Many times we stumble. Many times we get it right. Occasionally parents fail, sometimes woefully. Sometimes because they did not do the right thing at the right time or failed altogether to do anything. Sometimes, circumstances just work against both parents…

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