Tag: by Funke Egbemode

Financial Terrorist Husbands, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Are you one of these husbands who punish their wives by depriving them of money? Yes, you are mean, but most importantly you are a short-sighted fool. I’m too harsh and hard? Well, this message is not going to be a soft one and I won’t deliver it gently. I want it to sink hard, fast and furious. That’s why I’m not going to pull my punches. When your wife offends you and because you are the breadwinner, you decide to turn off the plugs on all financial support in…

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The Wedding Is Off!, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

  11 o’ clock! The groom is yet to surface. Throwing convention to the winds, the bride lifts her veil and starts pacing up and down, her lips moving in prayer. God, where could he be?   It’s been going on for years, maybe three, maybe more or less. Everybody expects the journey to culminate at the usual final bus stop. And true to people’s expectations, it looks like the normal thing will definitely happen. The invitation cards are out, the wedding trousseau complete. She has made trips and trips…

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When You Miss Your Step, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

She has lost two children. One via miscarriage, the other through still-birth. They just couldn’t afford basic medical-care. So, when she gave birth to her son, she was not just over the moon, she vowed to protect him with her life. She told herself she would breastfeed him for 18months and work as hard as she could to give him a great life. However, fate had other plans. Tola’s breasts, as full as they were couldn’t produce enough milk to feed her son. She ate, drank everything that was prescribed…

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Manless and happy, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Without a man, you could spend a week in the same clothes without a shower if you want. You can wear your comfortable black bra for two weeks. Who will know when there is no boyfriend ‘doing general checking?   We all experience it at one point or the other, that dry season when a woman is simply totally ‘manless’. The men can’t find you or you can’t find them. What you choose to do with this break now depends on you but I can tell you for free that…

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Unexpected Pregnancies, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

One of the things I find most wondrous about God is the way He distributes children. Oh yes, I’m a Christian and I strongly believe that God is the “giver” of children. I do not believe that even IVF can work without God’s say-so. Ask the gynaecologists, they will tell you. Even they cannot explain why some couples have to try IVF five times while others are successful at the first attempt. Let’s even assume that you are a scientist and you have answers to the IVF question, can you…

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I Don’t Want A Mother-in-law, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

I met a woman, a mother-in-law in Jordan. I mean at the River Jordan while I was on pilgrimage to Jerusalem many years ago. We were on the same bus and the same prayer group. It was an intensive 10-day of praying, fasting, except only when we were eating or sleeping. But this lady struck me in a different way. We got talking and she told me her main prayer points. As we stood in River Jordan was for her daughter in law. The poor girl, she told me she…

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The black market called marriage, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

This bride is not turned on by humble-beginnings or aroused by let’s-start-together-from-the-scratch pitch. The soup must not only be cooked and ready to be served, there must also be a servant to serve it.   To many, marriage is about love and passion. To others, it is an investment and to someone like me, it is all of that and also black market. You can love all you want and not be able to keep the glow. You can be as passionate as you can and still not be able…

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Virgin Hunter, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Tamino was a man about town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and satisfied. And the girls were eager to please. Tamuno, the player, he reigned long, hard and deep. Of course, all good things must come to an end. So, it was for Tamino.…

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Dear Madam, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Some wives are not worth the titles they carry. They are women, yes. Wives? No. The right moves, acts and depth are just not there. It is either they forgot everything their mothers and clerics taught them about being a wife or they simply came up with their own codes of conduct but whatever they did, now they are not happy. They are not enjoying their marriages. And they are blaming everybody and everything but themselves. Do you know any wives like that? We all do. Women who refuse to…

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Death is A Scorned Woman, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Where you can resolve issues, don’t threaten your wife before you are made to learn the hard way. If she could determine to stick by you through thick and thin, she could also re-channel that determination to destroy you.   Kunle was a rich businessman and had made more than enough money to have a new wife three years after his first wife died, leaving him with three children. And so, he married Seyi. From all intents and purposes, people envied Seyi’s good luck at catching such a rich fish.…

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