Tag: by Funke Egbemode

When You Miss Your Step, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

She has lost two children. One via miscarriage, the other through still-birth. They just couldn’t afford basic medical-care. So, when she gave birth to her son, she was not just over the moon, she vowed to protect him with her life. She told herself she would breastfeed him for 18months and work as hard as she could to give him a great life. However, fate had other plans. Tola’s breasts, as full as they were couldn’t produce enough milk to feed her son. She ate, drank everything that was prescribed…

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Manless and happy, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Without a man, you could spend a week in the same clothes without a shower if you want. You can wear your comfortable black bra for two weeks. Who will know when there is no boyfriend ‘doing general checking?   We all experience it at one point or the other, that dry season when a woman is simply totally ‘manless’. The men can’t find you or you can’t find them. What you choose to do with this break now depends on you but I can tell you for free that…

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Unexpected Pregnancies, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

One of the things I find most wondrous about God is the way He distributes children. Oh yes, I’m a Christian and I strongly believe that God is the “giver” of children. I do not believe that even IVF can work without God’s say-so. Ask the gynaecologists, they will tell you. Even they cannot explain why some couples have to try IVF five times while others are successful at the first attempt. Let’s even assume that you are a scientist and you have answers to the IVF question, can you…

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I Don’t Want A Mother-in-law, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

I met a woman, a mother-in-law in Jordan. I mean at the River Jordan while I was on pilgrimage to Jerusalem many years ago. We were on the same bus and the same prayer group. It was an intensive 10-day of praying, fasting, except only when we were eating or sleeping. But this lady struck me in a different way. We got talking and she told me her main prayer points. As we stood in River Jordan was for her daughter in law. The poor girl, she told me she…

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The black market called marriage, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

This bride is not turned on by humble-beginnings or aroused by let’s-start-together-from-the-scratch pitch. The soup must not only be cooked and ready to be served, there must also be a servant to serve it.   To many, marriage is about love and passion. To others, it is an investment and to someone like me, it is all of that and also black market. You can love all you want and not be able to keep the glow. You can be as passionate as you can and still not be able…

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Virgin Hunter, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Tamino was a man about town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and satisfied. And the girls were eager to please. Tamuno, the player, he reigned long, hard and deep. Of course, all good things must come to an end. So, it was for Tamino.…

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Dear Madam, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Some wives are not worth the titles they carry. They are women, yes. Wives? No. The right moves, acts and depth are just not there. It is either they forgot everything their mothers and clerics taught them about being a wife or they simply came up with their own codes of conduct but whatever they did, now they are not happy. They are not enjoying their marriages. And they are blaming everybody and everything but themselves. Do you know any wives like that? We all do. Women who refuse to…

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Death is A Scorned Woman, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

Where you can resolve issues, don’t threaten your wife before you are made to learn the hard way. If she could determine to stick by you through thick and thin, she could also re-channel that determination to destroy you.   Kunle was a rich businessman and had made more than enough money to have a new wife three years after his first wife died, leaving him with three children. And so, he married Seyi. From all intents and purposes, people envied Seyi’s good luck at catching such a rich fish.…

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Japa, Marriage, Sex and Money, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

“A wife left in Nigeria or posted abroad is expected to be faithful… Nonsense. Do women not also have libido?”         Letty was a good girl who became a good wife but the seasons changed and this once-upon-a-time choir leader, like Lot’s wife, looked back and right before the eyes of her Pastor and in the presence of her bewildered husband, is turning into a pillar of salt. The kind of salt no one wants to touch or taste. It was all the fault of this Japa…

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When ‘Sorry’ Means Nothing, By Funke Egbemode

ADEOLA YUSUF

We called them the ‘happening couple’. Flex (real name was Felix) was a 500 level medicine student, while Tunrayo was a 200 level Law student. Though the two of them were very busy ‘effico’, they spent every free moment together. They went to the bukateria together, walked hand-in-hand to the library and the cinema. They were a reference point especially when we girls wanted to ‘yab’ our NFA male classmates who were in the habit of giving excuses to their girlfriends as to why they couldn’t take them to see…

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